February 9, 2000
SINCE THE BEGINNING OF OUR EXISTENCE, one of mankind's inherent fears has always been the passage of time, and the consequences thereof. Time, the so-called "fourth dimension", holds us all prisoner by its bizarre unidirectional continuum, never letting us repeat a second, always keeping us wondering, waiting, never sure what is going to happen next, only allowing us to react to any given circumstance once and holding us powerless to change that reaction, causing us to forget, and distorting our perception of the past. It's simply one of the disorders of consciousness.
I visited my old elementary school today for the first time in about 5 years. It brought back so many good memories, probably too many. The purpose of my visit was to reunite with my first and third grade teachers and catch up on everything we had been missing from the continuance of each other's lives over the years. They were probably the best teachers I have ever had and am ever going to have. I remember when I was in first grade hearing my teacher say that one of her former students, who was 16 years old at the time, came back to visit her, and made her the happiest person on the planet, and I had always wanted to break that record. Well, the second I pulled into the parking space and got a glimpse of the tiny campus, memories began flooding my mind, bringing a huge smile to my face. Everything looked exactly the same as it had been 9 years ago when I last left its humble brick enclosures to move on to bigger and tougher things. Though I had endured the catastrophic metamorphosis from an innocent caterpillar into a wise butterfly, and lived to tell about it, the old school told only the same stories of innocence and freedom, of recess and snacktime, of building things with blocks, of playing with marbles, and paranoia of catching cooties that I recall listening to so many years ago. I had changed immensely, but the school was exactly the same. Many young children had passed through its halls and left it, yet it remained standing, serving exactly the same purpose as it had when I once roamed its halls.
When I finally found my first grade teacher and tapped on her shoulder, I saw the most excited and amazed face that I had seen in months. She was overcome with joy to see me, to see that I had become the handsome young man that I am, and that I had still remembered her and come back to see her. Although she was very happy to see me and itching to talk to me about everything that's been happening in my life, I could sense that she felt just a little bit awkward too, awkward because I have changed so much, awkward because I had once been a tiny innocent starry-eyed child in her care, when I was fairly new to the world, and now here I am coming back to her after years of silence, suddenly having an adult mind. It's probably enough to drive an unstable person insane when you think about it. At that moment, I became instantly aware that though she still looked just the same, wore the same clothes, and still acted with such exuberance as she did so many years ago, to her I was a completely different person now, and realizing that made me a little sad.
She couldn't talk long because I had inadvertently visited on Grandparents' Day, and she was helping tend the luncheon. We exchanged greetings and discussed briefly what was new in each others' lives. It was brief, but I wish it could have been longer, because here was a person who had helped shape my life and help me become what I am today, and did it beautifully. I discovered that, of course, her love for children had not diminished, and is something that is timeless. She is truly a great person, and a great rolemodel who I will strive until the day I die to share some common traits with.
I also had the privilege of seeing my third grade teacher again. Here is another person I have great respect for, because she had to manage and educate the most hyperactive and bizarre kid in the whole school, and she did just that, and accomplished it with flying colours. I know how hard it must have been to educate me or even to keep me sitting in one place for more than five minutes -- that was something that took quite a lot of skill and patience to do. I apologized for what a burden I must have been to her, and she told me not to worry about it a bit, that it was a pleasure being my teacher, and that she had loved every second of it. She joked about how I used to bounce off the walls like a ping pong ball, and though it was a challenge at times, she had always enjoyed my company, that it kept her job interesting. It was fun to talk with her about how I was when I was younger, though I couldn't help but start feeling sorrow about how fast we all grow up.
And after two brief conversations, that was it. They had work to do and I had come at a bad time. So I bid them a hearty farewell, showered them with hugs, and began to leave. And on my way to the car, I couldn't help but think about all those children now in the place I used to be, making their own school and life experiences, making memories, learning lessons, growing up. And I thought about all those beautiful kids I saw on the playground, playing like children, frolicking around, swinging on the swingsets, free as birds, playing on the same playground that I used to play on, and how I would never be in their place again, never with the same adventurous view of the world again, and never again would life involve 100% play and no work. All of these images zoomed through my mind, and I couldn't help but cry, knowing that I could never turn back.
And so, with tears streaming down my face, I sadly bid the school goodbye and slowly drove away. It's a nice place to visit, but I know I can never truly be a part of it again. And if I had the chance to either receive all the money and friends in the world, or to live even one year of my childhood again, I would take childhood in a heartbeat. That is how much it meant to me. We grow up so quickly, and then stay an adult for the rest of our years. Such is the cruelty of time.
Thank you for bothering to read all the way through my journal entry for today. I hope maybe I sparked some emotion in you and maybe even dug up some memories buried deeply in the crevices of your mind. So now you can go back to your Web surfing. I am honoured that you even glimpsed at this page. And may you always walk with your head towards the clouds and your eyes toward the stars.